"I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with"
~Plato
As it is becoming brutally hot here in the lovely California, I am growing more anxious for my favorite season to arrive! No, it is not summer... Summer is hot and uncomfortable, and there are many outdoorsy events and plans that rarely come to fruition in my life. Even though I was raised in California, I guess I am no longer a "California girl." I prefer the beach when it's overcast and abandoned. When it is sunny, warm, and crowded it doesn't hold the same appeal. Give me sweatpants over shorts any day of the week. I love scarfs and hate tank tops... Lord only knows what I am doing here.
My favorite season is fall. :) Just saying the word makes me feel a bit lighter, a lot happier. There is a certain kind of magic in the way the leaves swirl to the ground, the wind tossing them to and fro. I've always wanted to live in a place where the leaves really change. Where the trees are massive and they dress themselves in vibrant colors to usher their streets into fall. Maybe I am dreaming a bit too much, but I imagine the small towns to be cozier. Where fall means the whole town is found at the high school football game, and the houses each have their own character and design. I imagine my life in an old country house with festive decor from top to bottom. Where I have a big yard and all the neighborhood kids play in the street! Each year as the calendar turns to June, and my July birthday draws closer, I find myself further away from the picture of life I had in my mind. Except this year, the year I find myself excited, I can feel something changing. Maybe all the dreaming will come to a close soon, and I will collide with the plans God has for me. Lately I feel as though my life is on pause, just moments from pressing play. I can feel the anticipation and excitement, the suspense of what my life will sound like covers over everything else. The waiting fills me with unanswered questions. What will it be? When? Where will I go?
I think God has been preparing my heart for a move. Even though I love my family, and most are here in California, lately my heart drifts away from my life. I frequently discover myself longing to live in the country, in a small town, where the seasons really change. Recently a cousin of mine moved to Illinois, and since then I have been very aware that she is the first in my family to make that kind of change. I admire her bravery and commitment to God's plan for her life. I think He is using her choice to prepare me. Last year, in the fall, I had the opportunity to move and I stayed. I stayed even though my husband was leaving. I was too close to everything then, in such a dark place where hope was absent and fear was constant. I was too close to my fear and too far from my heart. This year, when fall comes and the wind strikes, I'll be ready. Where ever it beckons me, I will follow.
Hopefully, the wind will take me to a place where fall is overwhelming and the winter falls hard. Oh, what I'd give to be snuggled up in a sweater, sipping a pumpkin spice latte and watching the vibrant leaves dance their way to the ground. Such magic is worth all the moments of sun California holds. I've had a lifetime of sun, I think it's time to enjoy the seasons. Enjoy something new, to wander into a life I've always wanted but never thought I could obtain. This may never happen, who knows? Maybe I will wander into a life here in California that is exactly God's plan for me. And in that life, if it is God's desire, I would find contentment.
Only God knows where He is pulling me, and why He is molding my heart in this way.. but I know where ever I end up, as long as I have my Lord, my husband, and a few great books, it will be home.
